i kind of gave up on blogging- but people keep saying it is time for some action...

i felt quite ill yesterday afternoon and went for a run in the snow to try to 'push through'...and i enjoyed being on my own and in the world- just in it.  The snow was kind of dappling the field...and i just felt so alive, so i danced...and then the more beautiful things got the more beautiful things there were to see- like the tree's which are really strong, i tried to touch as many of them as i could because they are all really different, i think i liked how real they felt- how dense and heavy- its reassuring when you yourself feel quite the opposite.  i like how when you are seeing the world as beautiful and alive the same places you have seen every day look so different- the ice on the gates into houses made me feel like i live in a world where alleys and paths lead to houses warm with promise and invite- daring me to believe in MYSTERY and good SECRETS.

I tried to remeber all the things i thought during that hour or so- everything became very clear but when i came to journal it didn't make sense in words.  One of the only things that really stuck was 'cost'...like when you think having stuff on the cheap is a good plan when what you really want costs a lot- you end up paying ultimately because you sell out- sell a part of yourself.  'Nothing' can cost everything. 

I think sometimes it's easy to believe that because the way i want to live my life can appear intense and that that is wrong and makes me crazy...im trying to read the bible at the moment- the stuff about jesus- its interesting stuff i am thinking about people is like stuff i am thinking about jesus- as if he is as real as a person (which is a big deal...if he is a real person this all becomes a lot easier- and ultimately worthwhile- True even!!).  So stuff like 'trust'- when i want to know if i can trust someone, i dont need extravaence (offputting), i need the small stuff, i need someone to be gentle with me, a lot of my relationships have been about me being strong for someone else and im reluctant to put myself in a position where i have to perform for someone, to entertain them...and like i say- stuff i believe about people is ultimately connected to stuff i believe about God...so perhaps this is why i am 'struggling' with the big JC too, like part of me believes i am just 'dancing' for him, when i want to dance with him....